Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140705-1124a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week / kitchen / Mr.

feature / Oh yeah? / you normally turn up / sleeve / up / head-to-head / feature / as usual / see whose feature kicks off / well / I was gonna say / dressed / yesterday / I don't even know what that means / guy / today, it's raining and everything / I'm not actually / dressed for the weather / yesterday / stayed / all night / not / all night like that / didn't stay at home / what / about / in-laws / yeah / today I've come out, basically, / yesterday's clothes / take / ad-hoc in-law / sleep-over, yeah / you're wearing a pair of / here / call them B__ trousers / Yes, that's ... that's a good description, yeah. / thank you / definitely dressed for yesterday / exactly / now, a friend of mine / he's a plumber / Tom / he got into / ended up asking a very, very ... / quite a posh woman on a date / Right. / he feared / she said "Yes" / he, sort of, paniced / where did he ... where did he meet this ... / more specific / in her house house / he was, like, doing her boiler? / plumber / was a sink / posh woman's house / a friend of yours / "Do you wanna go on a date?" / he was not equipped for her saying "yes" / she did say "yes" / well-equipped / van, even / costume / tickets for __ b__ / do / she was / when it came to going to / he had absolutely nothing. / over-stretch__ / realize / a couple of days before / hands on / tuxido / yeah / leaving for the b__, the only shoes ... he didn't have any shoes / which / how / have to / a bare-footed plumber's a very ... / closest ... the cleanest and closest shoes / everything / posh / well, hiking boots. / Oh, come on / yes, seriously / you would ... come on / sandy-colored, big, p__ ancle / yellow-black __ races / no / yeah / no / yeah, yeah / No, Tom / what happened / OK / stomping around / some questions / yeah / surely / what time / start getting ready for the b__? / before / not a / if I / asked somebody on a date / a lot posher than me / lot more sophisticated / more cultured / I would probably / I would definitely make sure / know / people / just / I know / some shoes would be more appropriate than walking boots / mean / a pair / know / here's my question / when have you been completely / in the wrong / this is / feature / completely unprepared to this clothing / never mind the feature. What happened / to the story / did your plumber / take his girl to the Opera / all fine / he managed / told me was / what else was he wearing / taxido and walking boots? / get off / in the end / no problem at all / easy / upstairs / ho__ing around on heels / And what happened? Do they ... are they married now? / married, two kids / couple of days / So, your feature is / when have you been completely / situation / I've got a feature, which I think / beat that.

would you wanna hear my feature / let me give / a name / lamest ... lame injuries I'm looking for / had a good one last night / Oh yeah? / last night, I stayed / football, right? / I / a bit of a fan / jacket potato / anyone / stand-up / probably know / microwave then oven / because you can't be a fan / people / just / microwave / oh no no no / in fact, nothing annoys me more. Nothing annoys ... you know / most in the world / is where, someone / jacket potato / like / cafe or something like that / microwave / don't sell them / unless you / proper / don't sell that / thin-skinned / paper-thin-skinned __ / But you don't mind / oven / of course not / absolutely / I don't mind starting a cooking process / microwave / that / I think ... I could be wrong / save resources. It's my ... that's my little step to save the planet / I think so, yeah / take ages / know / I just ... you know / I can't imagine / like popping up / what we need to do / I can't imagine / not in this parliament / ilegal / that's what / for / why not? ... Anyway, yes / microwave first / oven / right / crisp / right / I seem to remember, a few years ago, 'cause I'm a big / Desert Island food for me, Jack potato / not doing that feature / forget it / growing in the desert / not / desert / the whole point of Desert Island thing / Desert Island Disc / take something / nobody / Radio 4 and says / whatever is lying around / local / is it? / just a hollowed-out coconut for me." ... Uh ... that's the whole point. Anyway, anyway, I seem to remember / Nigel / some chef / some chef / one of his books / up there / you can see / might get it down / jacket potato / jacket / it out of the oven, don't cut into it / in that, all the steam, sort of, comes out / steam stays in or something, he said, if you / such a slow process / steam stays in / insides go a little bit soft / that's / if you wanna / best / potato / which I did, god, I did / he said, "Get it out of the oven and karate-shop it / skin will split / steam will burst out in such a rate that the inside remains fluffy / Does it work? / tried / years after reading it / on a back __ in my head / karate-chop / years and years and years / Did you, sort of, train? / I didn't train / a lot of bricks / I didn't / three glasses of wine / I thought / let's give it a go. Let's see / give this a whack / white p__s on / I gave / proper, crispy, lovely / gave it a massive whack / karate-chop / my hand / stuck in the middle of / look at that / what is that / quite a nasty burn / proper burn / little finger / top / completely / cold tap for what must have been two or three minutes / like a cartoon / sort of / nobody saw, thankfully / great / my feature: Lamest injury / middle class injury / Ah, another good feature. Feature 3: middle class injury / which was a quite nasty cut from, uh, taking a seed out of an avocado. / Three features on the go today. #1: Have you found yourself / totally / unprepared. No.2: lamest injury doing some small little thing / my finger. #3: most middle class injury.

How did you / obviously I cut in half / did you ... did you do that / trick / just whack down / stolen / yes. I did / I knew it. / I read it / Nigel / hack it down with a biggest sharpest knife you've got / yeah, yeah yeah / sort of / top / pointy knife / and then / it slipped / is an underwhelming word / massive / rock / it's a massive stone. / Yeah / although ... you know, when you see / something / best thing I've ever seen / I'm sure when I / give / an example / do / thing / when you cook / you know / you know / I can imagine you / I'm not sure / cut a mango / you must have cut mango / I must have cut mango / you could / it's a stone, but / I don't think I've cut a mango. / Really? / you must have seen this / now you've got / hemisphere / of mango / do / criss-cross / Oh yeah. I've seen that / flip / underneath / like a hedgehog / melon-technique / when you see that for the first time, it blows your mind. / your mind / best thing I've ever seen / OK. Feature 4 / for Tom, it's some ... some ... somebody / cutting / flipping technique / wow / ok / talking of melons / oh yeah / wish / I don't just, uh, say things / willy-nilly. ... Talking of melons, uh, have you seen this in the paper, "Chinese dad / made / cool / very good picture / this / making him a pair of underpants out of a water melon / the picture, if you're gonna / the picture is wonderful / what / I'm trying to describe it to you, uh ... so, what he's done is / big / watermelon / hollowed it out completely, cut in half / two holes / bottom / half / has got, effectively / middle, uh, sort of, trousers of watermelon / two straps, shoulder straps / braces / braces, that's the word, to hold / the other half / hat / look at that. / head / __ __ F__ from Taiwan had the idea / son / too hot / watermelon to eat / usually / the inside / actually the watermelon itself / really cool pair of underpants / I wish I had a dad like that, don't you? / no offense to my dad / underpants / remarkable / most / most people / watermelon like that / imagine people / carve faces in them / pumpkin Haloween thing / garment / I think / pumpkin / pumpkin / probably / watermelon / wouldn't you / yeah / more freshly / cut out two holes for legs and fitted / pair of braces / instantly / coolest underpants in town. / if / internet / have a look / I don't know what / search engine / advising / watermelon underpants / come up here / one hit / I bet it doesn't / four __ five million hits / what to do / in fact, the youngster, H__, his name was, loved the underpants / made / and water melon boxing gloves." / they'd be lethal.

Hi, again, Rhod and Tom / hi again? / already today or he's just referring to / I have food injury story." ... This is one of those emails / bit / start off all right / make the __ Rhod Gilbert's Kitchen / you think "This is gonna make / podcast / no / hit the podcast cutting room floor / my / for / curry / good start / like it / always good / yeah / he rubbed his eyes / good one, good one, right / one of the chili seeds on his finger / wow / story now / be hospital / all sorts of horrific gruesome things that'd be entertaining on radio / he had to / girlfriend to remove it. What a fool." That's it. / how / I've told you / rushed / helicopter, air-lifted, hospital ... / happened to be in the hospital / I don't know / something interesting, not just / girlfriend / remove it. This is how / spider / of course / this is how / don't pretend ... don't pretend that the back-end of that story is as exhilarating as you hoped. / I / read it again / how many of us / agreed / even / description of the pain or anything / burning, I imagine / agony / eye swole up / yeah, exactly / swoled up / nothing. There's no ... / tell you what / never write a novel. That's my advice to you. Listen to this. / rubbed his eye, one of / finger / his eyelid / his girlfriend to remove it / that's it / can I / you could have / spec of dust / girlfriend to remove it / something / fact / give it some p__. Spice it up a bit / no pun intended / read / as long / great finish, Rhod. It's got / twists and turns / started gently / suc__ed you in / by the end / face / story / get that / absolutely get that / when I / in, uh, Funabashi, Japan / wow / how far / lame injuries can occur all over the world / no country or culture is safe / lame injury / cut open a whole s__ of wasabi, / bottom / give it a quick karate-chop / it's squirted straight into / her boyfriend to remove it / it doesn't say that / much / mush of p__ / when I was ..." this is from __ __ / played in a multi-sports t__t" So far? / Well, so far, quite confusing. What is a multi__ t__t? / I don't know / You don't know exactly / that / football / down / Cornwall / playing football / I was the goalie / I was having a good t__ / until, for one brief moment / fallen off a nearby roof / looked like / how to fly / I don't know if ... I don't know what sort of bird / in Japan / they / sort of problems / anyway, I burst out laughing / just / animal / appeared that the bird had forgotten how to fly / what's ... why is that funny? / come __ / no, I won't / on a roof, / Yeah? / and assumed a position of take-off, / Yeah? / and then, in the moment of ... / what / a little question mark / visible cartoon question mark / quisically / sort of scratching his head / last week / legs go around / how to fly / I still don't find that funny. / be more / I think, when an animal is disoriented / it's tragic / carry on / happened / because, of course, if you forget / several seconds of, sort of, recall time / yeah, but / sound / on the floor / he burst out laughing / rather cool / just as he realized the ball and two players were all darting / at once / for his fluctured c__ bone. / fair enough. I think / coming, mate / I think / instant carma, laughing about / players / by your logic, I guess you would hope / l__ there in agony of the fructured c__ bone / did what you imagine / right in his eyes / had to remove it / with a karate-chop / uh, this is from Nigel / my wife, Jane is very accident-prone, and her last trip to / my / very / emergency was caused by closing the car-boot lid / her own head." / hard, isn't it? / hard to do / closed / on my own hand / somebody / this is Rhod's Lunch Club / here in London. Anyone can drop by at any moment, although / usually / postman / Jehova's Witness / bring them in / why not / why not / let's / how / do you know / those / Tom, / answer the door, you know / live / there is somebody at the door / Jack will get it / yeah / let's have some music / door / very persistent.

Morning, Rhod. Please / tiny m__ / wrist / digging holes for mt to plant __ / Nice. / I don't even know what b__ is / for / that was / very noble thing / yeah yeah, yeah / he was complaining / later over dinner / by, sort of, gesturing with these wrists / kinda thing you can only do / partner / all about / moment / you'd be mocked. Uh ... there was a raised eybrow or two amongst / out / dinner / next to us. / 60th dinner / I don't know / do you think / a bit of an occasion time, ladies and gentlemen / we are having / 60th meal / then / tiny / movement was compromised / so / giving up smoking / squirted / one of those / directed to the eyeball. He had to dash into the next / streaming with tears / eye bath in the loos." / Wow. / That's from, uh / S. J. from, uh, Cardiff / fantastic / Dear Rhod, uh, Rhod and Tom / middle / lamest / cut nose / this isn't / my contribution / sistained by / head-butted / Y__ T__ / my most middle-class injury / on a family holiday. We were on the beach / excavating fossils / middle class one. We'll, uh, we'll give you that / "Hi, Rhod / lamest injury prize / aged 34, who / shoulder / rounding first base / his legs carried on going ... carried on going straight / body turned left / please / what / his legs carried on going straight / first / sort / turn / his brain was ... clearly ... I don't know / there must have been some / momentum / slightly downhill, ... innit? / body turned / the body was willing but the legs

you may be wondering why the doorbell went / somebody rang it, clearly, but / you may be wondering / bringing me something I ordered off internet, which is, a, uh, / describe it, Tom / four-piece / b__ / set / not delux at all / 6.99, I think. / do the job / it looks like it'll do the job / 4-piece / spatula, a prong, a b__ cleaning wire brush / and tongs / everything you need / unfortunately my b__ / I was in up in Welsh mountain / last week / having a / mini- semi-break / bit / place I / best b__ / in my life / because ... because the ... the things / meat on / the grill, let's call it, the grill-rack thing / swing it out away from the b__ / Huh huh. ... Nice. / you are nodding / before / normally do is, by the time I've lit the b__ and everything / flames / b__ grill is black by the time I've done that / was heating down, you know / thing / while charcoal is burning down, and then / swing it back on / genious / get one of them / got one of them / not exagg__ing when I say / in 400,000 pieces ... that need to be assembled / I'm not ex__ing / tell you, I will never, ever / assemble that b__ / Yeah, I know / Also, in the packaging / contain / nuts, bolts, washers, screws / tiny a__ keys / and / all the ... all the bit / even / see if / all / never / pay / any amount of money you want / within reason, up to ten pounds, to come / do / the first 2,000 parts are just to build the s__ bit. / Yeah. / That's the main reason / carry it outside / over the b__ / it's on the floor / by / on the floor / unturned / upturn the lid bit / something / I will never ever get / show / go down to that little shop, down on the street there, that's got / I'm gonna say / back / no, mate, / can I have that? That / gonna / window / that is what I'm gonna say.

dressed all wrong / this is / unprepared dress-wise / found my mom / given me my sister's navy-blue swimsuit / instead of my navy blue / packing error / a boy / girl's swimming costume / exactly / rolled down / exactly / rolled them down and / tuck them in / classic / tucked them in / quick mirror check / game on / tell / say / put on / my sister's swimsuit, and / with it / rolled them down, tucked them in / get away with this / game on / far too excited and pleased by the idea / underwear / high / I thought it might be / yeah, yeah / to himself / had to / a little bit / no / spent the whole time in the water / badly dressed, innit? / inappropriately dressed, it is. / what / Rhod and Tom, / this is, sort of, on the subject of / inappropriately dressed / Medi__-themed night," ... uh ... / somebody called Penny, this is / women / dressed up / ladies / I went as a hag with humpback." ... Fair enough. Uh ... / Hey, Rhod / captain / today / previous shows / nice to know / nice to know that / occasionally. ... "Hey, Rhod and Captain Features. Regarding / I ripped my only dark suit / tad too small for me / within the hour / I presume / I don't know / don't know / only / I had / pure white suit / worn to a friend's wedding / got very d__ ... very d__ / disapproving / or something / from close friends and relatives / inappropriate / at a funeral, certainly, probably inappropriate / man from D__ / look / people / man from D__ / been invited to this funeral, do you think / outfit / do you think? / I've no idea. I mean / black tie / would / say no / man from D__ / I don't know. Would he? I don't know / anyone / seen him / dressed / festival or somewhere / taking out / I'd love to see that. I'd love to the headline as well / just / white suit / changing the oil / long / point / out

you've got / injury / middle-class injury / I have a double __ middle-class / playing c__ / middle-class / I hit myself quite violently on the shin__ / resulting in a fairy deep dent / not a cut, not a bruise / dent / what is ... / yeah / shin / what is that, though? I know what you mean by "dent" / imagine / c__ mallet / isn't it? / know / imagine / what is that dent? / is it actually the bone being dented / skin / t__ / you know / any degree of / home / put / picture / however, I did manage to hit the b__ / my moment of pain / reflex / to whip the mallet back up / reflex / as the pain hit / dented shin, uh, she __ the mallet back up / hitting the ball / which / she was running towards / this is ridiculous / this is like human mouse-trap / ridiculous / my mother-in-law flipped up in the / birdcage / lamppost / ridicuous / that's not a middle-class injury

if you enjoyed / why don't you / whole show / Saturday mornings / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.